For Those Who Shroud Themselves In Shadows
by AllusionToAnIllusion
Summary: She has run all her life, hidden herself in black, what happens when she can't anymore?


**Well, I got this idea when I was sitting on my bed in the dark. I've always liked the dark. It hides things but it can also bring things into the light. When we're under the impression that we're hidden, protected from anything and everything, that's when we learn the most about ourselves. The fears that keep us at bay dissipate and we are simply ourselves. **

**Disclaimer: I own...NOTHING. What a surprise. **

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She had never been one of those people who were afraid of the dark. Even when she was very young she had never feared the monsters that might hunt her down when there was no light. Whether it was sadness, worry or fear that weighed her down she always comforted herself by sitting on her bed completely hidden by the darkness. In fact that was one of the things she liked most about it, in the dark you could hide anything. Emotions she didn't want to face, fears she didn't want to believe were real; they could all be hidden within the darkness. She could cry and nobody would see the evidence written all over her face. She could let her stony expression slip, being replaced with something much more human, and no one would know. She was strong, everyone who knew her would attest to that statement, but she was also a person. And no matter how unbreakable someone is they inevitably crumble; it's just a matter of when. So whenever her stone demeanor crumbled to little pebbles she would hide herself in the blackness and nobody would ever know it happened.

After her mother's murder this habit only increased, many lonely nights were spent curled into a ball on her bed embracing the dark. She thanked the dark for keeping her secrets, for hiding her weakness. After arriving home that life-changing night she remembers walking up to her room, turning off each light and shutting the curtains, effectively cloaking herself in pitch black, before shedding any tears. Blackness had always been a familiar companion of hers, and now it could be found within her soul. Each night became a routine, get home at an ungodly hour, turn off each light and then just sit there in the darkness. Sometimes she cried, sometimes she screamed into her pillows, and other nights she just sat there thinking. Thinking about how this could have happened, what her family did to deserve this and sometimes she even thought about joining her mother. She knew she would never go through with it but the idea was somehow comforting. It's not like anyone would ever know what went on behind these closed doors. Just like she did to herself, she hid each thought that crossed her mind in the darkness, sealing them in mystery.

After becoming a cop the need to hide her emotions away behind closed doors, both figuratively and literally, became even more necessary. By this point in time it was instinctual. Any slip, any sign of weakness or femininity, could destroy what she'd worked to achieve for so long. There weren't many female police officers, and the small amount that there was was pestered each day because of their gender. Innuendos, degrading jokes and inhospitable comments exchanged in precincts everywhere. Reputation was everything, she had strived to gain one that demanded respect and kept the comments at bay. She was not about to let that slip from her hands, not the thing she had worked so hard to get. So again she locked emotions and weak thoughts in the shadows, pretending they didn't exist.

But now she was terrified, scared of one of her lifelong friends. Kate Beckett finally feared the dark. But she was not afraid of the demons in the outside world, what scared her was the turmoil within herself. When he was thrown into her life she expected trouble, but nothing like this had ever crossed her mind. Now whenever she was alone, cloaked in the darkness she had come to love, emotions flooded her being and would not be put to rest. She couldn't sleep at night without first being confronted by them, she couldn't think straight whenever the lights went out. At first she ran from it, spending nights at the precinct drinking countless cups of coffee in an effort to evade fatigue. But it always caught up with her; he always found a way to invade yet again. She'd be listening to music long after the sun went down and memories she secretly treasured would replay in her head, she would lay down to sleep when forbidden thoughts conquered her mind. Whenever she was alone in the pitch black he was always there too. Her sanctuary had been breached, but somehow he had bypassed each and every trap. Now the alarms were finally going off, but it didn't matter anymore because he was already safely inside and was not leaving anytime soon. The walls she had built up and up until she was sure nobody could pass them had been severely damaged, she wasn't sure she could ever repair them. And here he was, standing on the other side of the walls, a side nobody had ever seen, and she was terrified. As she sat in the dark she realized she hadn't the slightest clue as to how he had gotten by her defenses, only that he was there now. And as the emotions flowed freely within her she was terrified, scared of the next realization the dark would bring.

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